Finding out my husband had an addiction to porn, had cheated on me for at least 7 out of the 9 years we were married, and that he engaged in both online and offline affairs, not to mention a lot of other things on the internet, was almost more than I could handle. When I heard the words “Pornography Addiction”, I did not have a clue what that meant. I couldn’t help but ask the question, “What do you mean an addiction to porn? How is someone ADDICTED to PORN?” My mind could not register that he was controlled by pornography. This was in 2005 and it was an addiction that was not often heard of but this addiction had settled into my home years before without me even realizing it, turned my husband against me and destroyed my marriage.
To face someone I loved and hear him tell me that he did not love me, he had never loved me, he never even wanted to marry me and he now wanted the other woman in his life hurt me to the very core of my being. From the moment I woke up in the morning until the moment I drifted to sleep at night I carried that pain with me. Sleep was the only respite I found. Trying to figure out how to cope with something that hurt me so badly was no easy task. First of all, it meant that I had to break my silence and reach out to someone. Who? Who do you talk to when you cannot comprehend what is going on and you know of no one else who is suffering like this? I felt like I was all alone and the only completely shattered person in the world.
What I found when I broke my silence was that someone other than me was going through this same horrible heartbreak and there were people that could help me deal with my grief and there were resources available to assist me in my journey to healing. It required that I step out of my comfort zone and tell another person what I was going through and be completely vulnerable. That kind of vulnerability was foreign to me but I was so desperate that I was willing to let the wall down and expose the truth of what was really going on in my relationship behind closed doors.
If you are reading this blog and you are hurting because someone you love is suffering with an addiction to pornography, I want you to know that you are NOT alone. There are many women who know your pain. Many have walked the path before you, many are walking the path at the same time as you and many will walk the path after you. I received wisdom, encouragement and hope from those who were ahead of me on this path. I could see glimpses of where my path might take me and it was a path of healing. I wanted healing. I NEEDED healing because the weight of my agony and heartbreak felt like it would smother me and I would die. The women who were walking the path at the same time as me were my support system. I lifted them up and they lifted me up. We decided to walk the journey together and offer each other strength when we couldn’t seem to muster up any strength of our own. Then, I became a guide and encouragement to those who started their journey after me. In the midst of my sorrow, grief and pain, I was a blessing to others. The process of the journey is long and very painful but it is worth it to take this journey. What lies ahead of you is worth pursuing because peace, joy, love and serenity are found there.
I will share more of my story in future blogs and offer some encouragement and wisdom. I will talk about the tools and resources I discovered on my journey that helped. Remember, you are not alone. You did nothing to deserve this. You are ENOUGH!
Be blessed in your journey!
Carolyn